Difficult Day Two

     When I began this project, all of one day ago, I did not realize how difficult it was going to be. It is not as if I have run out of suitable subject matter. It is that I forgot that I work all day, drive an hour home, make dinner and collapse on the couch. When do I find time to take a picture?
     I asked myself this question all day long. Do I take a picture of my desk? Do I walk outside and take a picture of an aircraft? I just don't know. Driving home I felt desparate. A bit broken and unsure of my commitment. On my long drive home I spotted a subject matter that looked, in a way, the same way that I felt. A little broken, worn and tired. Ready to fall, or fail at any moment. I turned around on the highway, pulled off on the shoulder and took this shot from the window of my car. I know, setup could have been better. The angle was a little too 'broad side of a barn,' but oh well. One shot, one chance, no take backs. Like it or don't, it's what's for dinner.

Not Doogie today, but Mary Pickford. “If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

A Journey in Time

     Here it is loyal reader. My New Year's project that I hope to continue for the remainder of this year and see where it takes me.
     The project? I plan on taking one picture every day for the sole purpose of posting on my blog.I want these photos to both inspire and give pause as to what I may have saw that day. What sparked my imagination or curiosity to take a photo of that.
     Here's the rub. I get one shot. One photo. Click and done. Like it or not. No do overs. If it turns out to be a picture of the inside of my camera bag, so be it. That will be the topic of discussion for that day. Mistakes that we can't take back. If I'm working sunup to sundown, it may just be a pic of my pillow. Who knows?
     I hope Project 2012 inspires me to seek out new things, new destinations, and force me to take the time to look at things a little closer. Much like today's subject.
     I went to the park today with my dog, as I often do, but this time I took my camera. I have to say, everything looked either brown or grey. The air was cold and the wind was strong. No pretty reflections off the lake were going to happen today. Everything was blowing so hard, I was afraid no matter what I did, the pic would be out of focus. This forced me and my dog to journey deeper into the woods where the wind was not as strong. Still very brown and grey, I felt it would be a lost cause and I would have to look elsewhere, when I came upon the spot I photographed. One bit of color among the bleakness. A speck of life trying to hang on. Something so small can demand great attention when surrounded by nothing extraordinary. So today's Doogie Howser thought of the day. 'Don't worry if you stick out amongst the fray. People will seek you out because of your uniqueness.'

January 1st 2012

Is There a Wrong Way to Rub Me?

'It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.'  ~Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Dave Matthews Band

Question.....Is honesty the best policy? Is it better to lie in some situations? Why can telling someone the hard, cold truth sometime....often times.....rub them the wrong way?

The answers I think must be derived on a case by case basis. Here's the way I look at it. I have two very good friends who for all intents and purposes tell you the truth. They don't seem to care if it is going to hurt any one's feelings, or come across as mean. Frankly I find this to be very refreshing. You always know where you stand with them. You know for a fact that when your with them, there is no way your zipper is down or there's food in your teeth. They would have told you by now. Bad haircut...they will let you know. Does my butt look fat in these jeans? Butt of course. You never have to wonder if you look like or are acting like an idiot, because they will tell you up front and right to you face. 'Yes, Steve, you are being an idiot, so knock it off, and while your at it zip up your pants, wipe the snot off your nose, and get that green thing out of your teeth.'

Some people may get annoyed by such honesty, but I find it so refreshing. I really like hanging out with these two friends. Up front, straight forward, and no wishy washy, spare my feelings crap that you might usually get in social situations. So the question is, 'Is honesty always the best policy?' Things are probably not this black and white, but suppose they were. Would you have a different set of friends if they told you exactly what they thought all the time? Would you be irritated and frustrated all the time but such disregard for one's feelings. I don't think so. I think it is so much easier to better oneself when we know what are faults may be. Don't get me wrong, my friends are not honest in a mean way. They just tell you the truth. All the time. They like me for who I am with all my faults and I feel the same about them. We know exactly where we stand with each other. For better or worse.

Trying to tell the truth all the time gets a little more difficult when you get serious about it. Do you tell your boss when you screwed up? That might work once in a while, but I think keeping it to yourself may have better consequences in the long term. Are things left unsaid lies in themselves? Is the act of omission a failure to be completely honest or is it just sparing someone the details that they don't need to know about? Should you keep the truth from someone when there is no way that it would benefit them in any way? What if the truth would only hurt them?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

I think honesty is the best policy, but I also think we need to be careful not to alienate and rub people the wrong way. There is a right and wrong way to tell the truth. Telling wicked lies to keep someone safe from pain will only come back to haunt you. Telling the hard cold truth is much like walking on thin ice. (Also hard and cold) One must tread lightly. Carefully. But wouldn't you rather know the truth so you can deal with whatever it is instead of being in the dark? What if your doctor wanted to spare your feelings? Delay treatment because they didn't want to tell you how bad it really was. Not a good plan. Life is much the same. Filled with painful truths that we must confront and act on.

Let me know your feelings loyal readers. I am curious. I tried to find a conclusion to the blog so I could wrap it up and move on, but I couldn't seem to come up with a hook, so it has sat for a long time. Sorry.......


I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won t.
Mark Twain

Standing Room Only

    I love the theater. I have always loved the theater. I was part of the theater community in my youth and now I am a patron of Starlight Theater. For those of you who don't know, Starlight Theater is an outdoor theater in Kansas City. They bring some of the best, traveling, Broadway Shows to our city. I have season tickets and have purchased them for many years. This all sounds great, but why in the world would I feel I need to blog about it. Well, reader, let me paint the picture for you.
     Every November I receive a notice that it is time to renew my season tickets for the next year. My brother-in-law and I purchase them at this time and actually give them to each other for Christmas. Some time in May the actual tickets arrive in my mailbox. Included with the tickets is a parking pass for the reserve parking. The parking pass says that the gates open at six o'clock. Close examination of the tickets reveals that the show begins at 8 pm. Not a shock to me because the shows always begin at 8pm.
     I know this is not very interesting, but I am getting to the point. Five shows into the six show season I am still asking myself the same question. How is it when you know when the gates open, and you know when the show starts, can you always arrive after the show has begun? I can understand a few people arriving late. Things happen. I get it. We are talking, probably fifty to seventy five people each show.
     At 8 o'clock when the show is scheduled to begin, the General manager of Starlight comes out and talks for a moment about the show, upcoming shows, and does a drawing for a prize. Then the orchestra plays the overture for a while before the production begins. The show starts at about ten minutes after 8. People are still filing in at this point. They don't even do the half duck where they feel bad that they are in your way. They just shuffle along to their seat like they are right on time.
     Maybe it is just me, but come on. Read you ticket. It says 8pm. Get your butt into your seat by 8pm. Why should the rest of us have to deal with your lack of clock management skills.  It irritates me so much that I have a hard time keeping myself from going up to them and asking them what the problem is. I paid a lot of money to see these shows. I get there on time and get to my seat. I understand if you are a doctor and the surgery ran long, but looking at the majority of these people I can safely say they are not surgeons. Maybe you could just leave the house fifteen to twenty minutes earlier and same me a lot of grief.
     I want to solicit responses from my dear readers to see if it is just me who makes too much of things or if these people need a good talking to from their mothers on punctuality and common courtesy. Tell me what you think.
     Not the most interesting, I understand, but it is just something that has been bothering me. Bear with my rants, readers, its all part of the process. Get it out before it weighs me down.



     Time is the coin of your life.  It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent.  Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.  ~Carl Sandburg

Head Cheese, Heart Strings, and Kidney Stones.

     Thursday it finally happened. A long week finally came to an end with the passage of my 20th kidney stone. For those of you who have never experienced the pain involved in the passage of a stone, all I can tell you is that it is often compared to childbirth. Childbirth that can last a week or more. This got me to thinking about pain and how I deal, or sometimes don't deal with it.

     Pain varies greatly in severity and type. Since this blog is an exercise for me and my brain, I am going to walk you through my pains. They may seem trivial to some who have experienced great pains in their life, but please do not take offense. I know we all experience many forms of pain and each of our brains react differently. What to some may seem like a 10 on that silly smiley face scale at the doctors office, may only be a five on someone else's scale.

 Not a very good tool, if you ask me. Also pain is very relative. The first time you slam your hand in the door it may seem as if your fingers will fall off, but by the third or fourth time most of the pain may come from the fact your a fool for doing the same foolish thing again and again. So, dear reader, lets take a trip down my memory lane of pain.

     To date, I have had one broken bone and enough stitches to make a sweater. I broke my arm when I was younger and all I can remember is skateboarding, crashing, blacking out and waking up inside. I don't remember the pain much so I can't speak directly to it. I do remember many of my open wounds that required stitches. Usually they only hurt for a minute and then the pain subsided. Not very high on the pain scale.
     Not until I had my first kidney stone had I experienced real pain. Your first kidney stone is a unique experience. I felt for sure that I was dying. The pain so intense that you can hardly focus. At some point it hurt so much that I began vomiting. My wife and I headed for the emergency room immediately. I thought this was it. Some strange entity had taken oven my body and I was experiencing (The big one). The emergency room staff seemed much less alarmed at my condition. After vomiting into the trash can I was asked to provide a specimen for the nurse. Well if the pain didn't have me freaked out at this point then the sight of urinating something akin to tomato juice surely did. The nurse's suspicions were confirmed. Kidney stone. I wasn't dying, but that still left the pain to deal with. A couple shots or morphine later I was good to go. I am not advocating drugs, but they were fantastic in the face of such pain.
     Now after 20 stones, I can tell you it gets easier. My latest stone was one of the biggest and I think I handled it pretty well. It's all how you perceive the pain. Since I know what is causing it I can wrap my head around it. It is just a signal from the nerves in my kidney to my brain that something is wrong. That is it. Just a neural system of checks and balances. Meditation (and some painkillers) make it very manageable. Up until about a year ago I still felt this was the worse pain I could experience. I was wrong.
    I have a couple of blown discs in my back that cause me a lot of trouble. No where close to kidney stone pain, but pretty bad. I went in for a routine Myelogram. A myelogram is an x-ray test in which dye is injected directly into your spinal canal to help show places where the vertebrae in your back may be pinching the spinal cord. One complication of this procedure is that cerebral spinal fluid may leak out. It is a clear, colorless fluid, that occupies the  sub arachnoid space and the ventricular system around and inside the brain and spinal cord. In essence, the brain "floats" in it. When balance is lost in your head you develop what is known as a spinal headache. I have to tell you, this was 10 to the power of 10 smiley faces worse than the worst kidney stone. My mother rushed me to the closest emergency room. They then took me on an ambulance ride to another hospital. For two days I endured the worst headache imaginable. I laid in bed hooked up to a morphine drip with a blanket over my head to block out the light for about 48 hours. I couldn't wrap my head around this type of pain because I couldn't think. I couldn't function at all. Eventually it started to get better and I got to leave the hospital. So that is my 9 on the smiley face scale. Now my 10.

    I had taught myself to deal with most pain. How to cope. How to rationalize what I was feeling in order to make in manageable in my head, then the unimaginable happened. I lost a dear friend early this year. The pain was something I had not experienced before. I didn't know where to go with it to make it make sense so I could deal with it. The pain was not in my head, but in my heart. How do you cope with that when there is no way to come up with a solution to manage it. I was in disbelief. This was a person who I spoke to every day about the ordinary stuff. You know, the one person you have outside your family that you tell all you stuff to. If one of my kids did something I thought was great, this was who I told. If I was down about something, this was the person that I bounced ideas off of to make myself feel better. We talked just between us for about a half hour each day. Then, all of a sudden, it was over. I didn't have that outside person to talk to anymore. It was just nice to talk with someone about whatever that has different experiences than you. See what they think. I don't have that anymore, and it gives me a great pain in my heart.

     I'm still about a seven on the pain scale, but I am learning to cope with this as well. All injuries seem to heal over time whether they are in your head, kidneys or heart. Some just seem to take a little longer. So with a saddened heart I thank you dear readers for reading. Next one, I hope, is a little cheerier.

Steve

Pride, Self Confidence and Respect

     A few small things I wish to put out there this week to get some reactions. A number of things have bothered me so much this week that I have to get some feedback to see if I am over reacting or if I am right in being upset.

     On Friday July 8th, the Space Shuttle took to the sky for the last time. A great moment for the United States. Our space program has always been the shining star of our country. During the sixties it brought America together when we needed a resurgence of patriotism. The Mercury, Gemini, Apollo, and Space Shuttle programs have led to most of the technological advances we now enjoy. Along came the eighties, nineties, and 2000s. We have begun to look at trips into space as routine. Haul up a piece of the space station, drop off a satellite, do some experiments. Launches of the shuttle were no longer televised after the Challenger disaster. You rarely heard what each mission was about. Well this last Friday I was looking forward to a change in television policy. Certainly there would be wall to wall coverage of the last flight of the Space Shuttle. We surfed channels at work for hours prior to the launch. Finally we settled on the feed from the NASA Channel on our computers. Within a half hour of the launch the local stations were still showing The Price is Right, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, Jerry Springer, Nate Berkus, and The Peoples Court. Really? The NASA feed was great. Watching the astronauts getting ready. Watching the mission crew batten down the hatches and preparing for the launch. Every kid I know would have thought the was the coolest. They should have showed this in every school in America. But alas, the networks dropped the ball. They preempted their shows for about fifteen minutes, tops, to show the actual launch. That's it. Fifteen minutes for the last trip into space for our country for possibly a long time. Shame on you networks. I bet when Richard Branson finally gets his vehicle going and takes a trip into space they will cover it. So for now I guess as Americans we will have to be content to be fourth in the space race. We can go back to convincing ourselves that we are indeed smarter than 5th graders, watching Jerry Springer, and hope that our kids grow up to be not astronauts, but game show and talk show hosts. Their getting all the TV time anyway.
    Gripe number two.....We have a company next door to us a work. They handle all the screening at the airport. Body scans, x-rays, pat downs. You know the drill. Well, as you can imagine the turnover is quite large. Because of this, they interview new applicants quite often. This last week they had many new applicants come up to interview. They can't seem to find the correct office ever, so they come talk to me. At least four people this last week showed up to interview in shorts and flip flops. One person was wearing a t-shirt with cut off neck and sleeves.(a woman mind you) The fourth woman had clearly not even combed her hair that day. She was carrying a baby in a car seat and had two other children in tow. I don't know her circumstances and I am not here to judge. She is probably trying very hard and doing her best. My only problem with these people is that they obviously failed to realize this was a job interview. Dress for success, they say. Put in a little effort. This isn't a hard job to get, unless your content on sabotaging yourself. T-shits? Flip-flops? What job are you applying for? Used paint salesman? (It comes in the shape of a house, by the way)
     Gripe number three.....I was at the Great Plains Balloon fest on Friday to see a bunch of hot air balloons take off. I got there pretty early because I wanted to hear an 80s cover band that was performing before the launch. (They were not very good. How bad to you have to be to make a Bangles song sound worse than the original?) The balloons were launching from a large grassy field. I got out the quick and put my blanket down. There were a few hundred people out there at the time. People in folding chairs in the back and people on blankets out front. I put my blanket pretty close to the action so I could be in the front row when the crowd filled in. I grabbed some food, put in my headphones and laid on my blanket until the action started. About 10 minuted before the balloons were set to fill up, a family of six starts setting up their chairs right in front of me. Remember I am on a blanket on the ground. hey formed this solid semicircle directly in front of me so I could see nothing. One of the best things about a balloon launch is watching them inflate. I couldn't see any of this. There were many places they could have set up, But since I was front row center I guess I was a prime target. Are people so self involved that they care nothing about anyone else. What would go through someones mind that would make them think that I wouldn't want to see anyway so they might as well set up there. To top it all off, they didn't seem to care about the balloons either. It was just a social event that they probably got free tickets for.
     So two launches last week and they both pissed me off. It's ironic that I had trouble seeing them both, and by no fault of my own.
     So, to sum it up Jerry Springer style. Have pride in you country. Have pride in yourself and respect you fellow man. So basically, Love and Rockets!
Steve........................

Quest for Nerdness

     Oh, to be a nerd. If only I could. It seems like only yesterday that being a nerd was a bad thing, but I have always been jealous of the nerd type. Really it is true. I have always had friends that are very intelligent and very obsessed with one thing, and isn't that what we consider a nerd. The socially awkward guy who knows everything there is to know about computers. The people who could tell you everything there is to know about comics. Any serious comic book collector can tell you that the world’s most expensive comic book is DC’s Action Comics #1 (1938). (I did not know this, I had to look it up.) There are also nerds out there who fit into the category but don't come across as a nerd because their obsession lies outside of the "nerd" culture.
     My problem is, I don't fit into any of this and I am jealous and I will tell you why. I don't have any obsessions. Is this a bad thing? I'm not sure. Time to dig deeper. Let's start by looking at my interests (lackluster at best.)
     I am a Star Wars fan. I am not a Star Wars nerd. I collect bobble heads from the movies, but I couldn't score fifty percent on a Star Wars quiz. I don't have the obsession gene. I have friends who could tell you everything there is to know about the Star Wars Universe, The complete Star Trek Anthology, the entire world of Lord of the Rings. Not me. I'm just not passionate enough. Not a movie nerd, I guess. Plus, my favorite movie is Good Will Hunting. A movie about a math nerd. Nope, I'm not one of those either.
    Comic book nerd? Not even close. I have numerous superhero t-shirts and bobble heads. Too many, if you ask the wonder woman who does my laundry. No obsession here either. I have never even owned a comic book. I couldn't tell you a Marvel character from a DC hero if I had too. Avengers? Justice League? X-Men? I am clueless. I like the characters, I like the shirts, that's about it. Just a nerd wanna-be.
    Computers? Video games? MMORPGs? Who has the time? All of these things are the classic obsessions that we associate with the nerd. I can't get crazy about any of it. I like it all. I don't need any of it. I think I need something more important or fulfilling to become passionate about. So lets take a look at my true interests.
     I enjoy reading. I would love to have the time to sit in a quiet place and read the day away. The problem is, I can't seem to squeeze in more than a minute or two here and there. Tough to be a bookworm on five minutes a day. No passion, no obsession, no fulfillment.
     Can you be a cooking nerd? Can you become so passionate about something that you become obsessed with it? It's hard to categorize a passionate cook as a nerd. Bobby Flay is no nerd. Kind of a dork, but not really a nerd. I would love to cook for people all of the time. Create exciting new dishes the amaze and delight my friends and family, but it is way too time consuming, not to mention expensive. It's hard when you want to make something new and different and all you kids want is chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. So, I guess I will have to stick with creative cooking just once in a while. Cooking mac and cheese is an obsession killer right there. Hard to be passionate about Kraft.
     I love to sail. Love the wind in my face. Man in tune with nature. No motors. Just me and the wind. It doesn't get much better. So what's the problem nerd boy? It takes too much time. Time to get there there. Time to unload and set up. Time to break down and reload. It basically takes a whole day to get out on the lake and enjoy a few hours. Sailing nerd, I am not. Just a hobby, not an obsession. I am not part of any sailing community, I receive no newsletters, magazines, or attend any meetings. I am not part of any clubs and I don't attend any races. Just me and my boat. That's it. So where do we go from here dear readers?
     Is it unhealthy to not be passionate about anything? It seems that others have one thing that they do very well, are focused on and have become very good at. Is it more fulfilling to have one thing that your very interested in or wide range of things that you enjoy and do well, but is without the passion? I have been referred to as a Renaissance man (There's your plug Shannon) but aren't the Renaissance guys really good at only one thing? (Painting, Sculpture, Math, Astronomy) I guess I'll take what I got and embrace it. The all around cover guy. Good at a lot of things, not an expert in any one thing. The guy you want on the island with you. (Another plug Shannon) I can catch the fish, clean the fish, and cook the fish (lightly seared with a lemon butter sauce.) I can build the hut. Not the Taj Majal, but liveable. Build the boat, sail the boat, and get your butt rescued. I guess that's not too bad.
    On a side note, I was looking back over the characters that I enjoy watching on TV and movies. I wonder if anyone else finds this to be true. I watch shows with nerds. Really smart people that have a knack for one thing in particular. House, with its brilliant but messed up doctor. Bones with the genius forensic anthropologist. The Mentalist, which is self explanatory. And of course the movie I mentioned before, Good Will Hunting with dreamy Matt Damon as messed up Math genius.What does that say about me? What do you favorite things say about you? Just food for thought with a side of rosemary potatoes and an asparagus and prosciutto salad. Enjoy.